Are They Really Judging Me?

**I need to add a quick disclaimer before I get started with this one.  As a weight loss surgery patient, I didn't do the right thing nutrition wise, but I did what I felt was best for me in this particular moment to make it thru the night.**

I am 2+ years post op and there are still many aha moments, many embarrassing moments and many WTF ones as well.  I still have moments when I see myself as the 300 pound person that doesn't fit in.  I still shy away from pictures, from social gatherings and I still get my "fat girl feelings" hurt often.  Sometimes I find fat jokes funny, other times they are offensive.  And what's worse is there's no rhyme or reason as to why I feel this way.

One of the hardest things for me to deal with is eating in a social setting.  I'm always very aware of who is around me and who might be looking at me.  I'm always wondering if they are thinking, "why is she eating that?!  She's going to gain all of her weight back!".  Or I'm thinking, "Should she really be eating that?  There's a much better choice out there".  In fact, I actually had a person tell me that "people" at work were concerned about my eating habits (last summer) and that "some" of them were noticing that I had gained some weight back.  "They" were concerned that I had ruined my surgery and that I wasn't eating right.  The result of those comments?  I stopped eating in front of people for a very long time.  Those comments cut me off at the knees and still sting to this day.  Some days I think, "How dare you talk to me that way!  When you get your weight under control, then you can come at me!".  And other times I think, "Maybe they are right.  I'm out of control again".

But because of comments like that, I have developed an even more sense of awareness of people watching me...or so I feel.  So much so, that on Saturday night, I ditched dinner with my best friend for her birthday because there were going to be new people in our group and I didn't want to eat in front of them.  I don't get like this all the time, just when I get outside of my comfort zone, which is now a large group of people.  If there are more than about 4 people around (including myself) I get very nervous, very uncomfortable and just want to go hide in a hole.  This is something that I've noticed has come up in the past couple of months and I just don't know how to shake it.  I met up with them later with my date.  In which I again opted to skip dinner and not eat in front of him either because I was afraid he would judge me too and he doesn't even know I've had weight loss surgery.  So, long story short, Saturday night, I skipped dinner and opted for a Diet Coke.  Was it a good nutrition decision?  Absolutely not!  But was it a good mental decision?  For me in that moment, I think it was.  I spent the rest of the night feeling overweight, uncomfortable and just wanting to go home because I didn't feel like I fit in, which wasn't even true.

I guess you could call it a funk that I have gotten myself into.  Or maybe it's some social setting phobia.  Whatever it was, it's something that's only come along since weight loss surgery.  Does anyone else feel like this?  What do you do when you start feeling this waay?  Is it a feeling of being overwhelmed?  Have we as a society, created another type of eating disorder, an anti-social one?  Saturday night, I never did eat.  I had a protein shake and a Diet Coke all day, that was it.  I didn't come home and binge eat, either.  I didn't even have a glass of water.  I just went to bed and started a new day.  But this has bothered me since, so I thought it was blog worthy.  I would like to hear what you think about it.

Until next time!